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Thus, it’s important to try not to take your partner’s fantasies as a personal offense and let them detract from the way you feel about yourself. The results of this research therefore suggest that your husband is likely telling you the truth when he says that he is attracted to you and to cisgender women more broadly. Rather, they seem to find both cisgender and transgender women to be highly attractive. What this tells us is that, unlike gay men, trans-attracted men don’t seem to be into other men. For straight and gay men, trans porn was moderately arousing-somewhere in between how they responded to male- and female-only porn videos. When watching porn featuring transwomen, though, only the trans-attracted men demonstrated high levels of arousal. What the researchers found was that both straight and trans-attracted guys showed high arousal in response to lesbian porn, but low arousal when watching gay male porn by contrast, gay guys demonstrated precisely the opposite pattern. In a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Medicine, researchers hooked heterosexual, gay, and trans-attracted men (i.e., men who reported that they were attracted to transwomen) up to an erection-recording device before showing them three different kinds of porn: man-on-man, woman-on-woman, or transwomen having sex. It’s worth noting that most heterosexual men who are attracted to transwomen are also attracted to cis women. The disparity we see here may help to explain why I’ve received lots of emails from female readers who are concerned about their husband’s or boyfriend’s attractions to trans persons, but I’ve yet to receive an email from a cis man concerned about his wife or girlfriend being attracted to someone who is trans.
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So this is a fantasy that appears to be much more common among cis men than it is among cis women. The number who said this is something they fantasize about frequently was much lower, but the fact that 1 in 5 men reported the fantasy at all tells us that it’s not a rarity.īy contrast, just 5% of cisgender heterosexual women said they had ever fantasized about a trans partner before. In the survey of 4,175 Americans’ sex fantasies I conducted for Tell Me What You Want, I found that 20% of cisgender heterosexual men reported having fantasized about a transgender partner before.
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When it comes to attraction to transgender partners specifically, this isn’t an uncommon fantasy for men to have had before. Most people have multiple sexual interests, so sexual compatibility is a matter of finding your common ground, while respecting the areas where you differ. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sexually incompatible or that the relationship can’t work, though. It sounds like he already feels a lot of shame and there are clearly some intimacy issues in the relationship, so in the interest of keeping the lines of sexual communication open and productive, try to show as much care and understanding as you can to avoid adding to his feelings of shame.Īs I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want, the content of our sexual fantasies is very diverse and it’s perfectly normal for partners to sometimes have sexual turn-ons or attractions that are quite different from one another. That said, before we get into your husband’s attractions and what they mean, it’s important to avoid shaming him for his sexual fantasies and turn-ons because that won’t help this situation at all. There’s a lot to unpack in this question, but let’s start here: over the years, I’ve received several emails from women describing similar stories and concerns, so you’re not alone in feeling the way that you do. Are there men who are only interested in transsexuals? Is it possible he is no longer turned on by my female genitalia?” This bothers me deeply on a number of different levels. I am terrified that when we are intimate (which I have to pretty much beg for), he can only do it when its dark and I am fearful he is fantasizing that I have a penis. However, I just am not sure I believe him. He says he likes them because they are feminine but his primary attraction is to women (with female parts).
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He has apologized for the online chatting (as we had agreed this was out of bounds for our relationship). He is very embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing it. I discovered this after I started snooping because I had some red flags. He also role plays online with men for sexual play and chat. This is the only type of porn that he looks at. “I recently discovered that my husband is attracted to transsexuals (MTF – non op). A reader submitted the following question: